60 Minutes
by jay bee
Summary: *FINALLY FINISHED!! I'M SO LAZY!!* Here now is the second story of my M*A*S*H series, an hour in the life of the 4077th personnel. Hope you like it.
1. 4:50pm 5:00pm

**EPISODE 73: 60 MINUTES**

This is the second episode of my M*A*S*H series. I hope you like it. It's supposed to be in "real time" you know, like 24, so it's sort of in script format. I didn't time it, so don't email me and tell me one of the scenes is half a minute short because I don't care. Enjoy!

**4:50PM – 5:00PM**

OPENING CREDITS.

FADE IN:

INT. THE SWAMP – 4:50PM

_Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar and Henry __are sitting around a small table playing poker because they have nothing better to do__. The unit has been casualty-free for almost a week and the monotony of boredom set in long ago. Radar deals a hand and they all pick up their cards._

HAWKEYE

You'll never guess who I have a date with tonight.

TRAPPER

Nurse Baker.

HAWKEYE

Yeah. How did you know?

TRAPPER

You boasted about it already at lunch. Adrienne bet you wouldn't get past first base.

HAWKEYE

Oh yeah. I wouldn't mind getting past first base with her.

TRAPPER

Which one?

HAWKEYE

Doesn't matter.

_Trapper grins._

RADAR

(annoyed)

Are we playing poker or not?

HAWKEYE

What's your hurry? You got another war to go to?

TRAPPER

Maybe one that won't stunt your growth?

RADAR

That's not funny!

_Henry removes his cigar from his mouth._

HENRY

Can we get on with it?

HAWKEYE

OK, OK. Open for five.

_They all place an opening bet._

RADAR

How many?

TRAPPER

Two.

HAWKEYE

One.

HENRY

Three.

_Radar gives them their cards. He takes two for himself._

RADAR

Dealer takes two.

_They look over their cards for a moment._

RADAR

I'm in.

_He places another five dollars on the table, as does Hawkeye and Trapper. Henry throws his cards down._

HENRY

I'm out. Adrienne sure is a feisty one, isn't she? Do you know what she said to me the other day?

HAWKEYE

What?

HENRY

That I'd almost be attractive if I lost 20 pounds.

_The others burst out laughing._

HAWKEYE

I call.

_They show their cards. Radar has two pairs, two jacks and two tens. Trapper has a full house, but Hawkeye prevails with a straight flush. Both Trapper and Radar throw their cards down in frustration while Hawkeye stands and bows to an invisible audience._

HAWKEYE

Thank you, thank you very much!

_He eagerly takes his winnings. Radar looks up like he hears something. The others notice and freeze._

TRAPPER

What's the matter? You hear choppers?

RADAR

No. Adrienne's coming.

_On cue, the door opens and Adrienne strolls in. She's completely out of uniform, wearing a knee-length black skirt, black high heel boots, a black fedora and her NYU t-shirt. She's a vision of co-ordination. Trapper looks up and stares at her. She's aware of it, too._

ADRIENNE

(pretending not to notice Trapper's staring)

Hey guys.

HAWKEYE

Hi Adrienne. What brings you here?

ADRIENNE

Boredom. Nothing else attractive about this place.

TRAPPER

Can you play?

ADRIENNE

A bit.

TRAPPER

Join in.

ADRIENNE

OK.

_She sits in an empty seat next to Trapper. He smiles at her and she winks back._

ADRIENNE

Can I deal?

HAWKEYE

Sure. Want me to shuffle the cards first?

ADRIENNE

Nope.

_She takes the cards from Radar and begins to shuffle them like an expert. The others all stare at her open-mouthed. She finishes shuffling and deals the cards out._

ADRIENNE

The name of the game is five-card draw. Jokers are wild and the opening bet is five bucks. You can discard up to four cards if the last one is an ace or a wild card. Gentlemen, place your bets.

_They all put five dollars each in the middle of the table. They look over their cards._

ADRIENNE

So, Hawk, got anything special planned for Nurse Baker tonight?

HAWKEYE

Well, we're going to see the movie—

ADRIENNE

Won't that ruin it? I heard it's a war movie. How many cards?

TRAPPER

Two.

HENRY

Two.

RADAR

Three.

HAWKEYE

One.

_They put down their cards and Adrienne gives them new ones. She takes one for herself._

ADRIENNE

Dealer takes one. OK, you're going to see the movie, then what?

HAWKEYE

I'm going to give her a thorough check up in the supply room.

ADRIENNE

You sure know how to treat a woman. I bet five.

TRAPPER

Me too.

_They all place another five dollars on the table._

ADRIENNE

OK Radar, I see your five and I double it.

TRAPPER

I see your ten and raise you five.

ADRIENNE

Ooh, thrill seeker!

_Hawkeye, Henry and Radar put in fifteen dollars as well._

ADRIENNE

I see and I call.

_They reveal their cards. They all have good hands, but Adrienne has five aces, including a wild joker. The others stare in disbelief as she grins and takes her winnings._

HAWKEYE

I thought you said you could play a bit?!

ADRIENNE

I lied. I used poker winnings to pay for Harvard. Oh yeah, and money from hustling pool. And I used to deal black jack in a casino, too.

_The others look at each other and stand up._

ADRIENNE

Aw, come on guys, I haven't finished thrashing you yet!

_They continue heading to the door._

ADRIENNE

OK, I promise I won't win so easily! Come on!!

_They just stand and look at her._

ADRIENNE

SIT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_They race back and sit down. Adrienne looks satisfied._

ADRIENNE

Thank you. Henry, if you wouldn't mind dealing…

_Henry gingerly takes the cards and shuffles them._

CUT TO:

INT. MARGARET HOULIHAN'S TENT – 4:55PM

_Margaret is sitting on her bed while Frank paces the tent. His pacing is annoying her._

FRANK

I don't like the idea of leaving them here.

MARGARET

Neither do I, Frank, but if we want to spend the weekend in Tokyo we'll just have to.

FRANK

Who knows what they'll get up to while we're away?

MARGARET

They do whatever they want whether we're here or not. What difference does it make?

_He sits on the bed next to Margaret._

FRANK

Last time I was gone they put peanut butter in all of my socks! They drew a moustache on my photo of my mother! And they placed a personal ad under my name in Nudists Quarterly!

MARGARET

I know they're completely contemptible, Frank, but we may not have another chance to go!

(smiles suggestively)

Besides, I have an outfit picked out especially for the trip…

FRANK

Really?

MARGARET

Uh-huh. It's see through under certain lights.

_Frank gulps audibly._

MARGARET

Would you like a preview?

_Frank smiles his lipless smile and nods. Margaret grins and stands up._

CUT TO:

INT. THE SWAMP – 4:56PM

_Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar, Henry and Adrienne are playing another hand. There's quite a lot of money on the table. The others are watching Adrienne intently as she stares at her cards. She deliberately takes her time. She eventually puts $20 down._

ADRIENNE

I call.

_The others nervously put their cards down. Adrienne smiles and shows her hand. Royal flush. The guys groan. Adrienne giggles proudly and takes her winnings._

HAWKEYE

How did you do that?

ADRIENNE

I have a system. Another game?

TRAPPER

Forget it!

_Adrienne shrugs and begins counting her loot._

HAWKEYE

I'd better go, I have post op duty.

ADRIENNE

(sarcastically)

Have fun!

HAWKEYE

You know, I hope you get robbed.

ADRIENNE

(pointing)

You're just sore because you were beaten by a girl!

TRAPPER

He's just sore because he was beaten.

ADRIENNE

Ha-HA!!

_She continues counting. Henry stands up._

HENRY

I'm going back on duty. Radar—

RADAR

Coming, Sir.

HENRY

—Are you coming?

_Henry hangs his head and sighs._

HENRY

I wish you'd stop doing that.

RADAR

Sorry, Sir.

_Henry, Radar and Hawkeye leave. Adrienne finishes counting and tucks the money in one of her boots while Trapper gets himself a martini. Adrienne stands up and looks at him. He looks really cute in his bathrobe (not the yellow one, the other one). She cocks her head to the side._

ADRIENNE

Well. We're all alone.

TRAPPER

Looks like it.

_She smiles somewhat seductively._

ADRIENNE

I wonder what we're gonna do now…


	2. 5:00pm 5:10pm

**5:00PM – 5:10PM**

INT. POST OP – 5:00PM

_Hawkeye saunters in. He sees Nurse Baker looking at the chart of a soldier with a wounded leg. He smirks and goes up to her._

HAWKEYE

Hi beautiful.

BAKER

Not now, Captain, I'm on duty.

HAWKEYE

What? Can't I say hello to you?

BAKER

(smirking)

Not like that. We're in public.

_Hawkeye grins. He knows his date with her is going to be eventful to say the least. He goes over to a patient and begins his rounds._

HAWKEYE

Hi Perkins, how do you feel?

PERKINS

(dryly)

Like I've been shot.

HAWKEYE

That explains it.

_He picks up Perkins's chart and looks it over._

PERKINS

How am I doing, Doc?

HAWKEYE

Nothing a little TLC from one of our nurses won't fix.

PERKINS

That's a relief.

HAWKEYE

Except for Nurse Baker. I have dibs on her.

PERKINS

I'm sure I'll get over it.

HAWKEYE

(with one of his smirks)

No, you won't.

_Hawkeye puts the chart back and moves on to the next patient._

CUT TO:

INT. RADAR'S OFFICE – 5:01PM

_Henry and Radar come in. Henry turns around and faces Radar._

RADAR

I'll get the monthly…

HENRY

Radar, get the monthly…

RADAR/HENRY

…Fitness report ready, as well as the records for the monthly check up.

RADAR

I'll get the inventory too.

HENRY

And the inventory.

_Henry sighs._

HENRY

Thank you Radar.

_He turns around and goes into his office. Radar sits at his desk._

CUT TO:

INT. HENRY'S OFFICE – 5:02PM

_Henry comes in. He goes to his desk, gets out a set of keys, goes over to the liquor cabinet and opens it. He pulls out a bottle of rye. He goes back to his desk, grabs a glass, opens the bottle and pours the rye in. He looks at it for a second. Ah, rye. He drinks it in one gulp and is pouring a second glass when Radar rushes in._

RADAR

Uh, Sir?

HENRY

Radar, I said I didn't want to be disturbed!

RADAR

No you didn't, Sir.

HENRY

Oh. I wish I did…

RADAR

Sir, Klinger's here.

HENRY

Terrific. What does he want?

RADAR

I don't know, but he was talking to himself.

HENRY

That's a new one.

_As Henry finishes pouring his rye, Klinger barges in, dressed in a white suit like Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca when she comes into Humphrey Bogart's bar for the first time (you know the one I mean). Henry looks at him and gulps the drink down._

KLINGER

Sir, I want you to meet someone.

_Henry just stares at him expectantly._

KLINGER

This is my new best friend, Boris.

_He motions to the space next to him. There's no one there. Henry looks at Radar, who shrugs back, just as confused as Henry._

KLINGER

He agrees with me.

HENRY

About what?

KLINGER

My Section 8. He believes as firmly as I do that I shouldn't be in the Army. He's prepared to do anything.

HENRY

Anything?

KLINGER

Anything! What's that, Boris? … Oh, he says he won't be held accountable for his actions. He's very passionate about my cause.

HENRY

I'm sure.

KLINGER

What did you say, Boris? … Oh, Boris says he likes you, Sir.

HENRY

That's nice. Klinger, do you think you and Boris could do me a favour?

KLINGER

Boris says anything for you, Sir.

HENRY

GET OUT!!!!

_Klinger stiffens and looks at Henry indignantly. He turns around and heads for the door. He turns back around._

KLINGER

Boris says you haven't heard the last from us!!

_He storms out with his head held high. Radar stares after him, his mouth open with shock._

CUT TO:

INT. MESS TENT – 5:06PM

_Frank comes in and gets in line. He picks up a tray and looks down his nose at Igor. Igor spoons some vegetables onto Frank's tray. He begins putting some creamed corn on it._

FRANK

I didn't ask for those!

IGOR

You didn't ask for anything, Sir.

FRANK

Don't backtalk an Officer!

IGOR

Sorry, Sir.

FRANK

One more word out of you and I'll have you court martialled! Am I making myself clear?

IGOR

Yes, Sir.

_While Igor finishes putting food on Frank's tray, Margaret comes in, gets herself a cup of coffee and sits down. Frank goes over to her. Igor glares at him._

IGOR

Ferret Face.

_Margaret smiles politely at Frank._

MARGARET

Good afternoon, Major.

FRANK

Good afternoon. Mind if I join you?

MARGARET

Not at all.

_Frank grins as Margaret moves over. Frank sits next to her._

MARGARET

Having an early dinner, I see.

FRANK

Yes. I'm famished after spending the day keeping everything in check.

MARGARET

Of course.

(muttering)

When are you going to see Colonel Blake about our passes?

FRANK

(muttering too)

Later. I want to see another preview of your outfit first, you naughty girl.

MARGARET

(muttering)

Not until we're in Tokyo.

(normally)

Yes, the veal does look very good today.

FRANK

Yes it does!

(muttering/whining)

Come on, Margaret. I can't wait that long!

MARGARET

Oh, all right! Meet me in my tent in five minutes.

_She gets up and leaves. Frank quickly starts shovelling his food into his mouth. He almost chokes on the veal._

CUT TO:

INT. POST OP – 5:08PM

_Hawkeye continues to check the patients, Nurse Baker by his side. He comes to one with bandages around his head. He's asleep. Hawkeye picks up the chart and looks it over._

BAKER

He's making good progress. His vital signs are all normal and his pupils are reactive. He should wake up soon.

HAWKEYE

Don't tell Frank that. He'll put him on active duty.

BAKER

Doesn't Major Burns have one ounce of humanity in his body?

HAWKEYE

Not unless you count self-righteousness as humanity.

BAKER

I don't.

HAWKEYE

Then no.

BAKER

Ferret Face.

_Hawkeye grins._

HAWKEYE

Marry me.

BAKER

And give up the single life? No way.

_Hawkeye puts the chart back and they move onto the next patient._


	3. 5:10pm 5:20pm

**5:10PM – 5:20PM**

INT. THE SWAMP – 5:10PM

_Trapper and Adrienne are sitting across from one another on Trapper's bed. They appear to be attempting to stare each other down. Adrienne puts her cards down._

ADRIENNE

Gin!

_Trapper stares at the cards in disbelief. That's the 4th game she's won in a row._

TRAPPER

How did you get that so fast?

ADRIENNE

Just a little thing you may not be familiar with called SKILL.

_Trapper gathers up all of the cards. Adrienne stands up and stretches. Trapper can't help but stare as she raises her arms over her head. He looks away and quickly starts shuffling the cards. He glances back at her. Her t-shirt is raised a little to reveal her midriff. He flicks the cards across the tent. Adrienne drops her arms by her sides and looks at him._

ADRIENNE

You OK, Honey?

TRAPPER

Yeah, sure.

_He begins to retrieve the cards, slightly embarrassed. OK, very embarrassed. He can't quite place why, either. No woman has ever made him nervous before. She goes and sits on Hawkeye's bed._

ADRIENNE

You know, Trap, in the time I've been here we've never really talked.

_Trapper picks up the rest of the cards from the floor and stands._

TRAPPER

We've talked.

ADRIENNE

Not really. Most of the conversations we've had were about medicine.

TRAPPER

Well, what do you want to talk about?

ADRIENNE

I don't know… Anything other than medicine.

TRAPPER

Like what?

ADRIENNE

Just pick a topic and go with it! Do I have to do all the work? Jeez!

(with a sexy smirk)

I hope you're not like this in, uh… other situations…

_She makes what she's talking about rather obvious by wriggling her eyebrows and adding a wink for good measure. Adrienne giggles at the embarrassed look on Trapper's face. He gets up and goes over to her. He sits in the chair next to Hawkeye's bed. He gains courage and smiles at her._

TRAPPER

Would you like to find out?

_Adrienne bursts out laughing._

ADRIENNE

A little eager, aren't we? Don't blame you really. I'm hot.

_It's Trapper's turn to burst out laughing. Adrienne joins him._

ADRIENNE

Then again, so are you, so I guess we both win.

_He stares at her._

ADRIENNE

Hypothetically, if we were to… how shall I put this? Consummate our relationship, what number would I be on your list?

_Trapper thinks for a moment._

TRAPPER

I've lost count.

ADRIENNE

I thought as much.

TRAPPER

What number would I be on your list?

ADRIENNE

I've lost count, too.

_They start laughing again._

CUT TO:

INT. POST OP – 5:15PM

_Hawkeye is looking over another patient's chart, a head wound he and Adrienne operated on a few days ago. He frowns. His vital signs aren't good. His temperature's up and his pressure is 60/40. He looks over at Klinger, who has just entered post op._

HAWKEYE

Klinger?

KLINGER

Yes, Sir?

HAWKEYE

Could you do me a favour?

KLINGER

Boris and I are at your service, Sir!

_Hawkeye blinks._

HAWKEYE

Boris?

KLINGER

My new friend!

_He points at the empty space next to him. Hawkeye holds his hand out and shakes the air._

HAWKEYE

Nice to meet you, Boris.

KLINGER

What can we do for you, Sir?

HAWKEYE

Could you find Adrienne? A patient we operated on isn't doing too well.

KLINGER

Right away, Sir! Come on, Boris.

_Klinger turns and guides his imaginary friend out of the room. Hawkeye stares as Klinger argues politely with Boris over who should leave first._

CUT TO:

INT. THE SWAMP – 5:17PM

_Trapper and Adrienne are sitting on the edge of Trapper's bed. Adrienne is looking at a photo._

ADRIENNE

They're beautiful.

TRAPPER

They are.

ADRIENNE

Yeah, but you're biased. Every parent thinks their children are beautiful. (frowns) Except for my mother. I don't think she ever told any of us we were beautiful.

_She hands the photo to Trapper. He puts it in his shirt pocket._

TRAPPER

Never?

ADRIENNE

Nope. AGH! I don't want to talk about my mother. I hate my mother!

TRAPPER

Really? That's terrible.

ADRIENNE

Yeah, well, if you knew her you'd understand.

_She stands, takes her hat off and runs a hand through her hair. She puts it back on and goes over to Frank's quarters and starts looking through his things._

TRAPPER

Don't bother. The only things you'll find there are a few Bibles.

ADRIENNE

(disappointed)

Oh. I was hoping for maybe a few racy photos of Margaret!

TRAPPER

No, Frank keeps them in his wallet.

_Adrienne laughs. She sits back down next to Trapper on his bed._

ADRIENNE

Mind if I smoke?

TRAPPER

Not at all.

_She takes a cigarette out of the band on her hat and puts it in her mouth. Trapper offers her a light. She lights the cigarette._

ADRIENNE

Thanks. Let's see, we've talked about sex, your kids, my mother and Frank and Margaret. I think we've just about covered it all.

TRAPPER

Are you seeing anyone?

ADRIENNE

Ooh, I stand corrected. Here, no. But I have a boyfriend at home. Danny. Weird guy, but he falls for all of my practical jokes, so that's good enough for me.

TRAPPER

Would you like to go to the movies with me tonight?

ADRIENNE

Sure. Sounds like fun. I heard Double Indemnity is playing. I love that film. By the way, just in case you want to know…

TRAPPER

Yeah?

ADRIENNE

I kiss on the first date.

TRAPPER

(grinning)

I bet you do.

ADRIENNE

I even kiss before the first date under exceptional circumstances.

TRAPPER

I'd believe that.

_They look at each other. They slowly start leaning forward, like they're going to kiss. Their faces are only centimetres apart when Klinger rushes in._

KLINGER

Captain Jacobson!

_Trapper and Adrienne groan._

ADRIENNE

What is it Klinger??

KLINGER

A patient of yours! The guy who got shot in the head. His condition's worse.

ADRIENNE

You're going to have to elaborate. I operated on two guys who got shot in the head.

KLINGER

The one you operated on with Captain Pierce.

ADRIENNE

Oh. OK, I'll be right there.

_Klinger nods and leaves. Adrienne stands._

ADRIENNE

See you at the movie if I don't see you beforehand.

TRAPPER

It's a date.

_Adrienne smiles and leaves the Swamp. Trapper watches her go._


	4. 5:20pm 5:30pm

**5:20PM – 5:30PM**

INT. POST OP – 5:20PM

_Adrienne walks into post op. She goes up to Hawkeye, who is sitting next to the patient._

ADRIENNE

What's up?

HAWKEYE

His temperature. His blood pressure is down, 60/40.

ADRIENNE

Dammit, Pierce, what the hell did you do to him??

_Hawkeye looks up at her, shocked. She picks up the patient's chart and looks it over._

HAWKEYE

Me?!

_Adrienne regards him with a smirk. She's only teasing. Hawkeye sighs and shakes his head._

ADRIENNE

Men are so gullible!

_She finishes looking over his chart and puts it back._

ADRIENNE

I don't understand it. He should be getting better, not worse. We did everything right.

HAWKEYE

It could be a post op infection.

ADRIENNE

Could be. Have you given him penicillin?

HAWKEYE

6000 units.

ADRIENNE

OK. Well, I don't think he'd survive another operation. We'll just give him 6000 more units and hope for the best. (calling out) Kellye?

KELLYE

Yes Doctor?

ADRIENNE

Could you give Perkins a shot of penicillin?

KELLYE

Sure.

ADRIENNE

Thanks.

HAWKEYE

And get Father Mulcahy when you're done.

KELLYE

OK.

_Kellye goes to get the penicillin. Adrienne sighs. She sits next to Hawkeye._

ADRIENNE

So, what have you been up to lately?

HAWKEYE

Not much. You?

ADRIENNE

Same.

CUT TO:

INT. THE SWAMP – 5:24PM

_Trapper is sitting on his bed, enjoying a refreshing glass of martini. He finishes it off and stands to get another. Frank comes in._

TRAPPER

Hi Frank.

FRANK

That doesn't threaten me! I'll never tell you about my weekend in Tokyo with Margaret!!

_Trapper stares at him blankly. Frank realises what he said and quickly sits down on his bed. Trapper puts his glass down and goes over to him. He sits next to Frank and puts an arm around his shoulders._

TRAPPER

It's OK, Frank, you can tell your Uncle Trapper! I won't tell anyone, I promise! It'll just be between us.

FRANK

Well, Margaret and I have been wanting to get away for a while and— (realises Trapper is teasing him) Oh, nerts to you!!

_Frank gets up and charges out of the Swamp. Trapper starts laughing. He stands up and gives Frank a mock salute._

CUT TO:

INT. MARGARET HOULIHAN'S TENT – 5:25PM

_Margaret is looking at herself in the mirror. She's wearing a red kimono._

MARGARET

Frank is gonna love this! I'll make this a weekend he'll never forget…

_She turns around and starts putting clothes in a suitcase. The clothes are mainly lingerie. She picks up a blue dress and looks at it. She shakes her head and discards it._

MARGARET

Won't need it. We probably won't leave the hotel room.

_She grins and starts giggling. She folds up more lingerie and places it in her case. She picks up a beautiful red kimono and admires it._

MARGARET

I wish General Clayton could see me in this! He did buy it for me after all.

_She folds it up and puts it in the suitcase._

CUT TO:

INT. POST OP – 5:27PM

Hawkeye and Adrienne continue to sit by the patient's bed. Father Mulcahy hurries in.

MULCAHY

Sorry I took so long. I couldn't find my Bible.

ADRIENNE

Shouldn't you know that by heart?

MULCAHY

Only up to Proverbs.

_Hawkeye and Adrienne laugh._

HAWKEYE

Well, the Father's a comedian!

MULCAHY

It's just a hobby. (motions to the patient) How is he?

ADRIENNE

Not good. We need you to weave some of your magic, Father.

MULCAHY

I'll do my best.

_Mulcahy takes the patient's hand in his. Adrienne puts her hand on his forehead._

ADRIENNE

I'll go get a cold compress.

HAWKEYE  
Get me a sandwich would ya?

ADRIENNE

Get it yourself.

_She gets up and walks away._

HAWKEYE

How's everything with you, Father?

MULCAHY

Not bad. Yourself?

HAWKEYE

I've been better.

_Adrienne comes back. She places a cloth on the patient's forehead._

MULCAHY

How are you, Adrienne?

ADRIENNE

Fine. Thinking of taking up a new language, actually.

HAWKEYE

Korean?

ADRIENNE

I already know Korean. I learnt it before I came here.

HAWKEYE

Really? What one are you planning to learn now?

ADRIENNE

Not sure. Maybe Japanese for when I go on R & R…

HAWKEYE

Maybe you could teach me Korean.

ADRIENNE

Sure. It only took me a month so I imagine it should take you a couple of years.

HAWKEYE

Oh, very funny.

ADRIENNE  
I thought so.

_The patient groans but doesn't wake up. Hawkeye, Adrienne and Father Mulcahy stare at him, waiting for something to happen. The patient remains unconscious._

HAWKEYE  
Damn.


	5. 5:30pm 5:40pm

**5:30PM – 5:40PM**

INT. HENRY'S OFFICE – 5:30PM

_Henry is sitting at his desk, reading a copy of "The Army Commander's Guide to Sex and Reproduction". He puts the book down and writes something on a piece of paper. He picks another book up, "The Army Commander's Guide to Lectures and Speeches", and reads some more. He stands and clears his throat._

HENRY

This month's lecture is about sex and reproduction. (he looks at the Guide to Lectures and Speeches. Reading:) Be clear, calm and assertive. Make your point easily and don't let your nervousness show. If you feel nervous, try opening with a joke.

_He takes a deep breath and puts the book down. He takes the piece of paper and begins reading._

HENRY

(unusually confident)

This month's lecture is about sex and reproduction. If any of you nurses are unsure of how reproduction works, I'd be more than happy to demonstrate!

_He begins chuckling. It quickly dies out as he realises how distasteful that was. His confidence goes out the window. He grabs a pen and scratches that off the paper. He thinks for a moment and writes something else down._

HENRY

(nervously)

This month's lecture is about sex and reproduction. (takes a quick glance at the paper) Sex is one of life's most natural occurrences. Much like going to—

_He cuts himself off, realising that's worse. He scratches that off the paper, too._

HENRY

Forget the joke.

_He writes something else down. Seemingly satisfied, he starts again._

HENRY

(semi-confident)

This month's lecture is about sex and reproduction. Sex is one of life's most natural occurrences, as you all know. (improvising) There isn't much I can tell that you don't already know, but since I'm required to give this lecture, I'll try my best.

_Henry smiles to himself and quickly writes that bit down. He continues._

HENRY

(the confidence is coming back)

Since we're all here, miles from home, sex is very important. We use it to vent our frustrations or to let loose on a Saturday night.

_He grins. He is extremely proud of himself. He writes that part down too._

HENRY

Sex is also very important in the grander scheme of things. Without it none of us would exist. Which brings us to the reproduction part.

_He pauses to write that down._

HENRY

Reproduction… uh… (clears his throat) reproduction… um… is, uh…

_The roll he was on is now gone, never to return. He sits down and buries his face in his hands._

CUT TO:

INT. RADAR'S OFFICE – 5:34PM

_Radar has a stethoscope to the wall, eavesdropping on Henry. Frank comes in and stands next to Radar. He doesn't notice Frank standing there._

FRANK

Corporal, I want to talk to Colonel Blake.

_Radar jumps. He tries to take the stethoscope off but ends up wrapping it around his neck. He struggles a bit longer and finally get it off._

RADAR

Colonel Blake is busy right now, Sir.

FRANK

This is important, Corporal! And stand up when you're addressing an officer!

_Radar quickly stands and salutes. The stethoscope is wrapped around his hand and he hits himself in the face with the end of it. He shakes it off and salutes properly._

FRANK

That's better! When he's not busy tell Colonel Blake I want to see him.

RADAR

Yes Sir.

_Frank leaves. Radar picks the stethoscope up and goes back to eavesdropping on Henry._

CUT TO:

INT. POST OP – 5:37PM

_Hawkeye, Adrienne and Father Mulcahy are still sitting by the patient. His condition has not changed._

HAWKEYE

So, Adrienne, have you got a nickname?

ADRIENNE

My sisters call me Rennie.

HAWKEYE

That's nice, I like that.

ADRIENNE

Feel free to call me that. I don't mind.

_They watch the patient for a few moments._

ADRIENNE

I could use some coffee. How about you?

HAWKEYE

Thanks.

ADRIENNE

Father?

_Father Mulcahy looks up from the patient._

MULCAHY

Hmm?

ADRIENNE

Coffee?

MULCAHY

Oh, yes, thank you.

ADRIENNE

Won't be long.

HAWKEYE

Take your time, we're not going anywhere.

ADRIENNE

Unless he—

_She stops herself._

ADRIENNE

I'd rather not think about that.

HAWKEYE

That makes three of us.

_Adrienne gets up and leaves post op. She walks towards the mess tent. She notices Trapper is heading her way. He smiles at her. She smiles back and winks. They pass each other. She grins to herself as she continues to the mess tent. Klinger suddenly steps in front of her. He's changed his outfit, he's now wearing a pretty yellow sundress with a straw hat._

ADRIENNE

Hi Klinger.

KLINGER

Captain.

ADRIENNE

Can I… (eyeing his outfit) Help you with something? Some fashion tips perhaps?

KLINGER

I'd like to introduce you to my new friend, Boris.

_Adrienne looks around. She looks back at Klinger and it suddenly dawns on her._

ADRIENNE

Ohh… Hi Boris!

KLINGER

He wants me to get out, too! He'll stop at nothing! He doesn't care anymore!!

ADRIENNE

Wow, Klinger. It's nice you've found someone with similar interests.

_She pats his arm and continues on to the mess tent. Klinger pouts._


	6. 5:40pm 5:50pm

**5:40PM – 5:50PM**

INT. POST OP – 5:40PM

_Trapper enters post op. He goes up to Hawkeye and Father Mulcahy and sits down._

TRAPPER

How is he?

HAWKEYE

No change.

TRAPPER

On a lighter note, Adrienne has been flirting with me like crazy!

_Hawkeye grins while Father Mulcahy looks uncomfortable._

HAWKEYE

Really?

TRAPPER

Yeah.

HAWKEYE

Did you take notes?

CUT TO:

INT. RADAR'S OFFICE – 5:41PM

_Radar is sitting at his desk, reading a Superman comic. Frank and Margaret come in._

MARGARET

Corporal.

_Radar scrambles to his feet._

RADAR

Sir! I mean, Ma'am! Sir-Ma'am?

FRANK

We want to see Colonel Blake.

MARGARET

Is he still busy?

RADAR

No, he's not busy anymore.

FRANK

Sir!

RADAR

Yes?

_Frank and Margaret look at each other then go into Henry's office._

MARGARET

Sir?

_Henry jumps and quickly puts the dirty magazine he was reading in his desk draw. He slams the door on his hand. He pulls his hand out._

HENRY

What is it?

MARGARET

We're here to request passes for the weekend, Sir.

_Henry looks at them quizzically._

MARGARET

We wish to attend a medical seminar.

_Henry raises an eyebrow. He's about to call out when Radar comes in and hands him two passes. Radar leaves without saying a word. Henry signs the two passes and hands them to Margaret. She can hardly contain her grin._

MARGARET

Thank you, Sir!

_She and Frank leave. Henry shakes his head. He gets the magazine out of the draw and continues… er, reading._

CUT TO:

INT. POST OP – 5:44PM

_Adrienne comes back into post op. She's holding a tray with 4 cups of coffee on it. She hands each of them to Hawkeye, Trapper and Father Mulcahy._

MULCAHY

Thank you, my child.

ADRIENNE

You're welcome, Father.

(to Trapper)

I figured you'd be here. Not much else to do.

TRAPPER

Thanks.

_Adrienne sits down._

ADRIENNE

Anything?

HAWKEYE

Nope.

ADRIENNE

Dammit!

_She sighs._

CUT TO:

INT. MESS TENT – 5:45PM

_Radar enters. He gets a tray and stands in line. Klinger is in front of him._

KLINGER

What do you think, Boris? Steak or veal?

_Klinger notices Radar standing behind him._

KLINGER

Radar, did I introduce you to Boris?

RADAR

Yeah… You did…

_Frank comes up and gets a cup of coffee._

KLINGER

Sir, have you met my friend Boris?

_Frank looks at him. He doesn't see anyone._

FRANK

Weirdo!

_He leaves the mess tent._

CUT TO:

INT. POST OP – 5:47PM

_The four sitting by the patient continue to watch him._

ADRIENNE

Hawk, can I ask you a question?

HAWKEYE

Yeah?

ADRIENNE

I've been here for almost a month now. Why haven't you tried to make a move on me?

_Trapper looks on with interest._

HAWKEYE

Well, you always brush me off. I assumed you weren't interested.

ADRIENNE

I'm not. But, from what I know, that hasn't stopped you before.

HAWKEYE

I can make more of an effort if you'd like.

ADRIENNE

Oh, only if you want to. Don't do it on my account.

PATIENT

You people are weird!

_They all look down at the patient. He's wide-awake. Hawkeye checks his pulse while Adrienne takes his temperature. They all grin at each other._

MULCAHY

I believe my work is done here.

ADRIENNE

Thank you Father.

MULCAHY

Any time.

_He stands up and leaves. Hawkeye breathes a sigh of relief._

HAWKEYE

Now I can actually get some sleep tonight.

ANNOUNCER

ATTENTION, ALL PERSONNEL! INCOMING WOUNDED! ALL MEDICAL PERSONNEL REPORT OT OR IMMEDIATELY!

TRAPPER

You were saying?

_Adrienne and Trapper stand up._

TRAPPER

You coming?

HAWKEYE

I'll be there in a minute.

_Adrienne and Trapper head for the OR. They go in to get scrubbed up. Adrienne gets a gown for herself and hands one to Trapper._

TRAPPER

Looks like our date is off.

ADRIENNE

Looks like it.

TRAPPER

And I was looking forward to that kiss.

_Adrienne laughs._

ADRIENNE

So was I! As soon as we're done here, we can do anything you want.

TRAPPER

Anything?

ADRIENNE

Sure. Within reason.

TRAPPER

OK.

ADRIENNE

In the meantime…

_She grabs him and kisses him. He pulls her closer as it gets more passionate. She breaks it off._

ADRIENNE

I hope that will tide you over.

TRAPPER

So do I.

ADRIENNE

Well, if we get a break at the same time…

TRAPPER

I'll find you.

_They smile at each other as the doctors and nurses start filing in to get ready for OR._

FADE OUT.

CLOSING CREDITS.


End file.
